I Found His Soul

It is hard to even start writing this- I want to capture the moment, the feeling, and the spirit of it all but don't know how I can possibly put the most intense-in-so-many-ways event of my life on paper  internet.

Giving birth was a truly amazing experience. Here is how it happened for me...

March 24 / 11:30ish pm: I am lying in bed and the weirdest thing happened. I heard this little pop/wheezing sound and I thought, what the heck is going on? Then I felt just a little bit of cramping so I thought I'd go get a glass of water. And what do you know, my water broke! My pregnancy started with me sitting stunned on the toilet looking at a positive pregnancy test and it ended with me sitting stunned on the toilet telling Dan... "ahhh, I think my water just broke". I called the midwife, Wendy, and told her what happened and was interested to know that yes, sometimes people will hear their bag of waters rupturing. Isn't that weird? I had not read it anywhere but turns out it's legit. Wendy told me to get some rest if I can and when my contractions start to head to the hospital when they are 5 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute for 1 hour.

March 25 / 12am: Boom! Contractions started, and boy were they fierce. When the first one hit I was lying in bed and remember saying "now that's a contraction!". We started timing them and much to my surprise they kept getting longer and closer together so off to the hospital we went! Dan and I were running around putting all the last minute things in our bags and making the bed (I didn't want to come home to a messy bed). That was a very uncomfortable 15 minute car ride wherein I nearly tore the OMG handle off the car. Contractions hurt. And just for the record, I think that hypno birthing lady is full of crap. A pain free labor? I think she must be perpetually high or something.

1:20am: We checked into the hospital in between contractions. I remember they wheeled me into a delivery room and Dan helped me put on a gown, and  I had to use the bathroom. I didn't want to get off the toilet cause it was a good place to have contractions but I needed to be checked and they wanted to see how the baby was doing. They checked me and I was dilated between a 7 and and 8 and baby's heart rate was doing great. Everyone was so surprised how dilated I was and I just wanted a blessed epidural. I said 'I am 125% sure I want an epidural'. My midwife said that would be fine because I still had a little longer to go so they called the epidural people and got the process going.


2:30am: Epidural was in place and it seemed to be taking the edge off the contractions but they were still really intense.

3:10am: The urge to push. Ho-ly cow. I felt like there was a monster inside of me that wanted to push itself out. I could not stop pushing even if I wanted too... and sometimes I wanted to stop because it hurt so bad. Wendy explained my pushing as 'she pushes with urge', meaning I really didn't have that much control over it. She wanted me to breath through some of the contractions though because there was still a little bit of cervix that needed to clear out of the way- so I tried, but you guys, the pushing monster just wouldn't stop. So Wendy held the cervix back until it cleared on its own as I pushed and pushed... and pushed and pushed. Then I pushed some more.

5:35am: Out came the baby! I remember when he started to crown thinking there was no way I could push through that pain. I thought maybe Wendy was still doing something down there and I said 'I don't like what you're doing with your fingers!' and she said 'that's your baby, not me'. So push I did, right through the ring of fire and out came this squirmy little angel we call Jude.

Notes and Thoughts

*My epidural didn't take as well as it should have. Wendy said it took the edge off, but that my birth was nearly a natural one. She said next time I have a baby don't even bother with the epidural because it will go even faster than this five and a half hour birth did. When the epidural people came to see me the next day I asked if I could get half price because all the dang thing practically did was freeze my right leg for 18 hours- no such luck. Shucks.

*During my contractions and pushing I just wanted to be alone, no hand holding, no touching, no talking, dim lights- you get the picture. I would close my eyes and just be. Dan was allowed to apply chap stick and feed me only two ice chips at a time. Dan asked Wendy if women fall asleep between contractions/pushes and Wendy said something that will stay with me forever. She told Dan that there are some Native American tribes that believe it is during those quiet times between all that hard work that the woman is actually out searching through the stars for the soul of her child. Um, isn't that the most amazing thing you have ever heard? It makes me tear up just typing it. I was so grateful Wendy was the midwife on call that night and that she shared that piece of wisdom with us- it helped me through the most difficult thing I have ever done.

*Labor was really intense. I did not think it would ever end. When Wendy told me I could get the baby out in 3 more pushes I didn't believe her. I told myself there would be at least 10 more and boy was I pleasantly surprised when he came out before I got to 10. It was really neat feeling him actually exit my body- feeling his little shoulders and then tummy squeeze out of me was so cool. I finally opened my eyes after he was all pushed out and saw this skinny little boy being brought to my tummy for me to meet.

*Those last few pushes- I keep thinking about them. The pain was so intense I started to sob and I wanted to give up so badly. Laura, my nurse, was trying to comfort me and tell me I could do it and I remember saying to her 'just let me cry'. Cry, more like sob I did, and somehow I mustered up the strength to finally push out my child. But I don't remember the feeling of those pushes like I do the others. I keep wondering if my Heavenly Parents had something to do with that- to make sure one more little baby made it safely to earth. I think they did and am so grateful for it. 

*As I was being put back together again by all the kings horses and all the kings men, actually just by sutures, they wanted to take my baby to the warmer to clean him up and I was all 'no way!'. I wanted to hold onto my trophy as I was having needles and thread pulled through me because even with extra freezing I could still feel it.

*One of the first things I told Wendy after he came out was 'I want to see the placenta!'. Once the afterbirth came out and baby Jude was being cleaned up she showed me the placenta and explained all the different parts of it to me. Placentas are pretty amazing. I love blood and guts!

*Labor was also a really reverent experience. Despite the difficulty of it all, there was reverence and beauty present that truly overwhelmed me. It was so special I think that one day I may just do it again, but shhh, don't tell Dan because he still thinks I meant it when I said I wouldn't :).

Welcome to the world, Jude Thomas, we sure love all 8 lbs 7 oz of you.

sorry no pictures yet, i'll add some as we load them!