For the first time in a long time I have a quite moment to myself and I actually feel like writing something. Call Scotland Yard! Alert the authorities across all nations!
Dan had an opportunity at a job out west and it fell through. We could have been closer or right next to some family but we are still way out here. Alone. Heartbreak at its finest right there sweeties. When it was happening and still a possibility, I was out shopping on a beautiful Saturday morning and found myself wondering through the garden section looking at the plants and flowers and the mulch. I ran my hands over the cool green leaves and purple petals imagining which ones I would get to pick for my own home near some of my sisters homes. In that moment I felt relief, a weight being lifted, and it felt like a goodness I've never known. I took note of some color schemes I thought I'd like, grabbed a drink, and drove home feeling like I had just won that really big lottery that was like 20 million or something (which I did buy tickets to but luck was not my lady that night).
Eventually the situation changed. It took me a few days to even want to talk again. I moped around watching as Dan busily did everything we do together on his own. No hugs, no kisses, no laughing. I felt so numb. Thank the freaking universe for finally turning Spring on though, those buds and leaves and birdies let me know things would be okay.
Since then I've been thinking a lot about the loneliness I feel on a daily basis. The loneliness that makes me believe moving will take it away. My life is so full though. I'm working on going back to school for a career I'm pretty positive I will love, I have the best kids, I have the best Dan. But still, my heart feels so lonely. I thought moving west toward my sisters would help. Actually, I know it will help but I also know the loneliness will always get me one way or the other.
On Mothers Day I called my mom a half dozen times and all I heard were rings. My dad was just in Europe with his newish second wife, my moms former best friend. I found out they were on holiday through a random 3 word text he sent me at 11pm one night. My mom never calls, my dad calls maybe every 7 weeks and its awkward as hell. Birthdays are sometimes remembered. And so my heart will always be lonely. For whatever reason, I have 2 parents that are alive and well, but they don't want to be part of my life. That is where my loneliness comes from. It's that instinctive need of approval from the people who gave you life. It's the evolutionary need I freaking wish I could shut down. Can you ever get over not needing your parents? I try to do it everyday and so far it's been a bust. I would please like to re program my DNA, Darwin, can you help? TIA
No matter where I am or what I'm doing that heartache will always be a part of me. And that's okay. It's taught me a lot about things I never really wanted to learn about, ha ha, but whatever. I will work my whole life to never let my sweet babies know the heartache I do. I'm sure they'll have their own share of heartache in their lives, but me not caring will never ever be one of them. Not in a million years.