Out to Sea

Well, yep, we are having a baby. In March. It's a girl and we don't know what we will name her. Jude's vote is for "Jessie" so we will have to wait and see what actually happens. Jude and Jessie though, kinda sweet.

It has been months since I have last blogged. The first trimester sent me out to sea for a solid 14 weeks where no remedy could soothe the constant rocking back and forth nausea. My best defense was deep breathing and always holding on to something so I could make it through the day. Also, lots of shows and lying on the couch. I've never been on an official cruise but oddly I don't think I ever want to go on one now. Those 14 weeks cured any cruising curiosity I thought I ever had.

These months of carrying around this little body have brought me to a lot of inward soul searching. Mostly trying to figure out how to make it in a world with parents who are unable to show their love for you in a way that seems plausible. I hate to say they don't care about me but that is how it seems to be. I know lots of people are in the same boat (too soon!), so I try not to have pity parties too often but they still happen. My MIL always says that the person who cares the most always looses the most. So no more caring... except the older I get the more I find that I actually do care. A lot of bloggers are always immortalizing the relationships they have with their "fierce" mothers, and "amazing" fathers and I always groan, roll my eyes, and quickly move on. You won't find that here, so if family life is rough for you lets commiserate together. Also, I have never been a skinny pregnant lady nor do I lose all my pregnancy weight in 6 weeks; so we can also commiserate about those topics as well.

What else.. I get some interesting comments about having a girl... like people who are so glad I'm finally having a girl, or the perfect family, or so I won't be surrounded by hungry boys all the time, or that I finally get to experience a daughter. These comments are odd, I can't get them out of my head. I love Jude with intensity I never thought I had in me as I really am a typical average person with mediocre aspirations and I'm totally accepting of that. Maybe to an unhealthy amount, ha. So when I love this little boy so hard I feel like I could drop dead from it at any given moment, comments about finally having a girl somehow seem to discredit the relationship I already have with my son and it really breaks my heart. In fact, I got a little sad thinking I'll only get one baby boy... of course I know I'll feel the same when my daughter arrives and I'll be so grateful to love her with the same intensity but boys are also awesome and so amazing and so are girls.

As you can see, I'm a sensitive thing right now. Now that the nausea has passed I think I'm on the boat of sensitivity and double chins, at certain angles.